Beginning of what?

So, classes have finished, exams too. All the not-seniors have moved off campus (except for the peeps staying for Catalyst). And this leaves me with time to be contemplative, maybe overly so.

After four years as an undergraduate at Wash U, what have I gained? What have I lost?

I have gained:
A new understanding of my culture
A massive new network of friends
At least the baby steps in faith
A different major than what I expected


I have lost:
Many friends back home. Some through simply falling out of touch, one from a rather nasty falling out
Some of the culture I had when I came in.
My sense of certainty of direction

So at the end of four years, I am at the same time much more sure of where I am, and much less sure of where I am. I am also much less sure of where I am going. Funny, how I started off thinking that what I would be doing now would be preparing for some sort of paid internship in the architecture field, and instead right now I'm just trying to figure out how to get by until I can go off and teach in Korea. And who knows, after this I might go back to grad school for architecture, maybe music, or even business if it seems something that I might need. On the other hand, if I can find a successful career teaching English in Seoul, or Korea in general, maybe I might just settle with that. I dunno, it seems so strange. Actually, that's one of the most ummm, difficult things about now. It's the strangeness

You always send off the seniors every year, and every year, in the back of your mind it's one year closer. Now we're the ones who have been sent off, and look at what we've been sent off into. And as for myself, look at what I did while being in line to be sent off. I could have been so much more social with people in ACF, heck, even as just a networking thing, maybe I could have made more connections. This isn't even going into the what should I have done just as a matter of being social. Damn it, I wish I had a time machine, wish I could go back a while and redo several of my years here. Wish I could have gotten more involved in Spirit of Korea earlier, wish I had gotten involved in KSA as much as I had tried to get into KISS. Damn it, so many regrets, should haves and could haves.

On the other hand, I at least did get more involved with my culture, actually discovered it (not to mention the rest of Asian culture along the way). Met a thousand people that I hope I never forget. Going through the people from 06 to 12, from Joyce Huang, Liz Tung, Darryl Toma, Alex Lo, Elaine Lee, Jean Kung, Alan Huang, Alice Meng, Angie Gao, Daniel Lee, Samantha Swanson, Ji Eun Seo, Dah-Eun Chung, Michellanne Deutsch, Kiwi Yamamoto, Zi Teng Wang, Jin Tran, Min Qi, Grace Huang, Angela Huang, Yedda Li, Shuning Zhao, Ray Deng, Elaine Chang, Patricia Cheung, Tyler Peck, Brad Valtman, Eliot Kohl, Eric Yen, Lisa Ma, Joyce Wang, Austin Hope, Tricia Wittig, Trisha Gupta, Charles Li, Dan Kang, and more people than I can name at this time in the morning. I know I've missed a lot of you, and I apologize. But rest assured, you have all made your mark on my life, no matter how big or small.

Back to culture, its funny, it seems the mere presence of all the Asians here changed me far more than I expected. I didn't even join one of the Asian clubs per se, not like HKSA, CSA, KSA, KISS, Heisei, TSO, VSA, etc. I joined Asian Christian Fellowship, which is admittedly quite Asian, but of course that is not the focus, as a fellowship. And still, I changed my culture so much that some of the friends from back home no longer really recognize me much (some of them probably would not recognize me much physically now). I learned about Korean dramas, Chinese and Japanese pop, Korean music, what the Lunar New Year Festival is, and so much more that couldn't be quantified by saying I took that course of this course. Just complete immersion.

And returning to faith for the last part. Funny, I showed up at college not attending church, and effectively I'm leaving not attending church. Yet in the interim, attended a lot, and at least began to understand a bit more about what it means to be Christian. Just a bit, mind you, as I still can't get myself to read the Bible more often, or even act the part of being more Christian that well. Well, on the other hand, guess it's better that I can't even act the part, shows exactly what I need more of. Also, on a related note, acting and such has been such a part of life for me now, and in some ways, being a split personality has not helped in being authentic. So maybe it's better that I can't act, because then maybe I would get deluded into thinking I'm more along the path than I actually am. If you are reading this, please pray that God will help guide me, whether or not I see him as doing such, directing me to where I need to be, be it Seoul, New York, Boston, Atlanta, even some middle of nowhere place that he needs me to be.

And that's I guess where I leave this rambling post, questioning as I have now for the past several months, where do I go now, do I stay in St Louis and risk not finding a good job, or do I go to Seoul sooner, find a good job, but leave so many people behind :( I am really torn about this now. Again, seems to be the bittersweet in graduation.