So, classes have finished, exams too. All the not-seniors have moved off campus (except for the peeps staying for Catalyst). And this leaves me with time to be contemplative, maybe overly so.
After four years as an undergraduate at Wash U, what have I gained? What have I lost?
I have gained:
A new understanding of my culture
A massive new network of friends
At least the baby steps in faith
A different major than what I expected
I have lost:
Many friends back home. Some through simply falling out of touch, one from a rather nasty falling out
Some of the culture I had when I came in.
My sense of certainty of direction
So at the end of four years, I am at the same time much more sure of where I am, and much less sure of where I am. I am also much less sure of where I am going. Funny, how I started off thinking that what I would be doing now would be preparing for some sort of paid internship in the architecture field, and instead right now I'm just trying to figure out how to get by until I can go off and teach in Korea. And who knows, after this I might go back to grad school for architecture, maybe music, or even business if it seems something that I might need. On the other hand, if I can find a successful career teaching English in Seoul, or Korea in general, maybe I might just settle with that. I dunno, it seems so strange. Actually, that's one of the most ummm, difficult things about now. It's the strangeness
You always send off the seniors every year, and every year, in the back of your mind it's one year closer. Now we're the ones who have been sent off, and look at what we've been sent off into. And as for myself, look at what I did while being in line to be sent off. I could have been so much more social with people in ACF, heck, even as just a networking thing, maybe I could have made more connections. This isn't even going into the what should I have done just as a matter of being social. Damn it, I wish I had a time machine, wish I could go back a while and redo several of my years here. Wish I could have gotten more involved in Spirit of Korea earlier, wish I had gotten involved in KSA as much as I had tried to get into KISS. Damn it, so many regrets, should haves and could haves.
On the other hand, I at least did get more involved with my culture, actually discovered it (not to mention the rest of Asian culture along the way). Met a thousand people that I hope I never forget. Going through the people from 06 to 12, from Joyce Huang, Liz Tung, Darryl Toma, Alex Lo, Elaine Lee, Jean Kung, Alan Huang, Alice Meng, Angie Gao, Daniel Lee, Samantha Swanson, Ji Eun Seo, Dah-Eun Chung, Michellanne Deutsch, Kiwi Yamamoto, Zi Teng Wang, Jin Tran, Min Qi, Grace Huang, Angela Huang, Yedda Li, Shuning Zhao, Ray Deng, Elaine Chang, Patricia Cheung, Tyler Peck, Brad Valtman, Eliot Kohl, Eric Yen, Lisa Ma, Joyce Wang, Austin Hope, Tricia Wittig, Trisha Gupta, Charles Li, Dan Kang, and more people than I can name at this time in the morning. I know I've missed a lot of you, and I apologize. But rest assured, you have all made your mark on my life, no matter how big or small.
Back to culture, its funny, it seems the mere presence of all the Asians here changed me far more than I expected. I didn't even join one of the Asian clubs per se, not like HKSA, CSA, KSA, KISS, Heisei, TSO, VSA, etc. I joined Asian Christian Fellowship, which is admittedly quite Asian, but of course that is not the focus, as a fellowship. And still, I changed my culture so much that some of the friends from back home no longer really recognize me much (some of them probably would not recognize me much physically now). I learned about Korean dramas, Chinese and Japanese pop, Korean music, what the Lunar New Year Festival is, and so much more that couldn't be quantified by saying I took that course of this course. Just complete immersion.
And returning to faith for the last part. Funny, I showed up at college not attending church, and effectively I'm leaving not attending church. Yet in the interim, attended a lot, and at least began to understand a bit more about what it means to be Christian. Just a bit, mind you, as I still can't get myself to read the Bible more often, or even act the part of being more Christian that well. Well, on the other hand, guess it's better that I can't even act the part, shows exactly what I need more of. Also, on a related note, acting and such has been such a part of life for me now, and in some ways, being a split personality has not helped in being authentic. So maybe it's better that I can't act, because then maybe I would get deluded into thinking I'm more along the path than I actually am. If you are reading this, please pray that God will help guide me, whether or not I see him as doing such, directing me to where I need to be, be it Seoul, New York, Boston, Atlanta, even some middle of nowhere place that he needs me to be.
And that's I guess where I leave this rambling post, questioning as I have now for the past several months, where do I go now, do I stay in St Louis and risk not finding a good job, or do I go to Seoul sooner, find a good job, but leave so many people behind :( I am really torn about this now. Again, seems to be the bittersweet in graduation.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Changes
Heh. Been a very long time since I posted anything on this blog. I dunno if anyone actually reads this, so if you do, then thank you and well, yeah, let's get things started. Been meaning to do a post on this word for a while.
Changes.
Given that college is almost done (what the heck...) and that now I need to go off and find a job, its time to openly reflect on things, what is going on, what has changed, all that good stuff.
My first year, I showed up to Wash U as an architecture student. At this point, I forget how it happened, but I also showed up to ACF instead of getting involved in KSA. Rather interesting shift, but as I said, I don't remember a damn thing about why or how I got involved in ACF. Maybe Joyce or somebody else suggesting it, but who knows. Fast forward to today, and I'm actively involved in the group on worship team, and have actually started giving a damn about faith, God, etc.
My first year, I showed up as a "twinkie" (you all should know what this means, but if you don't, yellow on the outside, white on the inside), and now I've virtually become significantly nationalistic, but not with respect to America, but with respect to Korea, and more significantly, not to the North or the South, but considering the nation as divided. In this case, I think its interesting to note that there is a very large Korean international pop. here and that seeing it probably induced me a bit to learn more about where I'm from, and who I am by blood, beyond just upbringing. It's really odd to say this, but in becoming Korean, I seem to have traded one set of issues for another. I've begun intentionally assimilating as much in the way of Korean attitudes and mannerisms as possible, and this includes the fact that for the short-mid term, I have become all of a sudden unwilling to date anyone who is not Korean by blood. On the one hand, there is the practical application, aka the fact that there is still a prejudice against mixed-blood Koreans in Korea, so if I move there, it would be best for my children if they were pure Korean, so as not to suffer from any discrimination or such, but on the other hand, there is a little bit of absorbing the attitudes that are sometimes behind that as well. That part is probably not a good thing, but we have to see what happens.
More to follow
Changes.
Given that college is almost done (what the heck...) and that now I need to go off and find a job, its time to openly reflect on things, what is going on, what has changed, all that good stuff.
My first year, I showed up to Wash U as an architecture student. At this point, I forget how it happened, but I also showed up to ACF instead of getting involved in KSA. Rather interesting shift, but as I said, I don't remember a damn thing about why or how I got involved in ACF. Maybe Joyce or somebody else suggesting it, but who knows. Fast forward to today, and I'm actively involved in the group on worship team, and have actually started giving a damn about faith, God, etc.
My first year, I showed up as a "twinkie" (you all should know what this means, but if you don't, yellow on the outside, white on the inside), and now I've virtually become significantly nationalistic, but not with respect to America, but with respect to Korea, and more significantly, not to the North or the South, but considering the nation as divided. In this case, I think its interesting to note that there is a very large Korean international pop. here and that seeing it probably induced me a bit to learn more about where I'm from, and who I am by blood, beyond just upbringing. It's really odd to say this, but in becoming Korean, I seem to have traded one set of issues for another. I've begun intentionally assimilating as much in the way of Korean attitudes and mannerisms as possible, and this includes the fact that for the short-mid term, I have become all of a sudden unwilling to date anyone who is not Korean by blood. On the one hand, there is the practical application, aka the fact that there is still a prejudice against mixed-blood Koreans in Korea, so if I move there, it would be best for my children if they were pure Korean, so as not to suffer from any discrimination or such, but on the other hand, there is a little bit of absorbing the attitudes that are sometimes behind that as well. That part is probably not a good thing, but we have to see what happens.
More to follow
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Thoughts on the economy and God
With Wall Street in turmoil, some turn to religion
By Christine Kearney Mon Sep 22, 2:04 PM ET
NEW YORK (Reuters) - As financial workers suffer through tumultuous times on Wall Street, some are turning to an old source of solace: religion.
ADVERTISEMENT
Religious leaders said attendance was up at lunchtime meetings in New York's financial district last week, with many more people in business attire than usual.
That is hardly surprising, said Reverend Mark Bozzuti-Jones of Trinity Church Wall Street, given that people don't know if their employers will survive from one day to the next.
"The economic financial crisis is a reminder that we cannot put our faith in riches, that we cannot put our faith in money," Bozzuti-Jones said in his sermon at lunchtime on Friday, which he devoted to coping with the financial crisis.
A handful of men in suits and ties and women in business attire were among dozens of people at the Episcopal church, which was hit by debris from the World Trade Center collapse on September 11, 2001.
The church, which normally attracts tourists and a few financial workers, experienced an upturn in visitors this week, Bozzuti-Jones said. In the past few days he had requests for help to pay rent from those who had lost their jobs.
"People are just sitting there, praying or crying and definitely exhausted. There has definitely been an increase in the number of people who have come in," he said in his office after the service.
The church was putting on special workshops and seminars over the next few weeks including "Coping with stress in an uncertain time" and "Navigating career transitions."
Just a few blocks away, St. Peter's Church has seen "a slight uptick in attendance among people in suits," said Father Peter Madigan. St. Peter's, a Catholic church, displays a cross found in the rubble of September 11.
"In the past couple of days there was high anxiety and trepidation," Madigan said. "The situation we are faced with today by economic standards is very much unknown, uncharted territory and faith helps us deal with those situations."
The Wall Street Synagogue is opening its doors nightly starting this week to accommodate Wall Street people. But rather than a rush of people last week, Rabbi Meyer Hager said he has noticed a change in his regular worshippers.
"I can see it on the faces of certain people who come here who are regular people -- some work for AIG and other large banking houses -- I can see the expression of strained concern," he said.
He noted that the synagogue was founded in 1929, the year of the Wall Street crash.
A mosque located in the financial district about a mile from Wall Street did not return a call seeking comment.
Lou Janicek, who works as a financial adviser on Wall Street, said he had not considered attending a religious service, but said Wall Street would benefit if people applied the same morals they learned in church to the workplace.
"What you do at work matters as much as whether you regularly attend church or the synagogue or whatever," said Janicek, who was brought up as a Christian. "If you are an accountant or you find yourself in an unethical situation, you can't just stand by and let it happen -- then you have another Enron.
(Reporting by Christine Kearney; Editing by Eddie Evans)
It's something I never thought to see. I haven't been keeping up with God as much as I could have, should have, etc. And yet, he still provides. Opens the doors.
Weird little thing that has been in my head for a while. Suppose the whole economy crisis goes on further, suppose things go to a worst case scenario and crash half the economy or something crazy. I've been thinking now, that this should give me even more incentive to study my languages and such. In case the economy craps out, I now have an "out", if you will, so I don't go down with the ship.
A month ago, this wasn't even something I would have thought about.
By Christine Kearney Mon Sep 22, 2:04 PM ET
NEW YORK (Reuters) - As financial workers suffer through tumultuous times on Wall Street, some are turning to an old source of solace: religion.
ADVERTISEMENT
Religious leaders said attendance was up at lunchtime meetings in New York's financial district last week, with many more people in business attire than usual.
That is hardly surprising, said Reverend Mark Bozzuti-Jones of Trinity Church Wall Street, given that people don't know if their employers will survive from one day to the next.
"The economic financial crisis is a reminder that we cannot put our faith in riches, that we cannot put our faith in money," Bozzuti-Jones said in his sermon at lunchtime on Friday, which he devoted to coping with the financial crisis.
A handful of men in suits and ties and women in business attire were among dozens of people at the Episcopal church, which was hit by debris from the World Trade Center collapse on September 11, 2001.
The church, which normally attracts tourists and a few financial workers, experienced an upturn in visitors this week, Bozzuti-Jones said. In the past few days he had requests for help to pay rent from those who had lost their jobs.
"People are just sitting there, praying or crying and definitely exhausted. There has definitely been an increase in the number of people who have come in," he said in his office after the service.
The church was putting on special workshops and seminars over the next few weeks including "Coping with stress in an uncertain time" and "Navigating career transitions."
Just a few blocks away, St. Peter's Church has seen "a slight uptick in attendance among people in suits," said Father Peter Madigan. St. Peter's, a Catholic church, displays a cross found in the rubble of September 11.
"In the past couple of days there was high anxiety and trepidation," Madigan said. "The situation we are faced with today by economic standards is very much unknown, uncharted territory and faith helps us deal with those situations."
The Wall Street Synagogue is opening its doors nightly starting this week to accommodate Wall Street people. But rather than a rush of people last week, Rabbi Meyer Hager said he has noticed a change in his regular worshippers.
"I can see it on the faces of certain people who come here who are regular people -- some work for AIG and other large banking houses -- I can see the expression of strained concern," he said.
He noted that the synagogue was founded in 1929, the year of the Wall Street crash.
A mosque located in the financial district about a mile from Wall Street did not return a call seeking comment.
Lou Janicek, who works as a financial adviser on Wall Street, said he had not considered attending a religious service, but said Wall Street would benefit if people applied the same morals they learned in church to the workplace.
"What you do at work matters as much as whether you regularly attend church or the synagogue or whatever," said Janicek, who was brought up as a Christian. "If you are an accountant or you find yourself in an unethical situation, you can't just stand by and let it happen -- then you have another Enron.
(Reporting by Christine Kearney; Editing by Eddie Evans)
It's something I never thought to see. I haven't been keeping up with God as much as I could have, should have, etc. And yet, he still provides. Opens the doors.
Weird little thing that has been in my head for a while. Suppose the whole economy crisis goes on further, suppose things go to a worst case scenario and crash half the economy or something crazy. I've been thinking now, that this should give me even more incentive to study my languages and such. In case the economy craps out, I now have an "out", if you will, so I don't go down with the ship.
A month ago, this wasn't even something I would have thought about.
learning
Learning...
not how to improve composition, but how to compose
not which culture to fit into, but how to fit into it
not how to improve composition, but how to compose
not which culture to fit into, but how to fit into it
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Monday, June 23, 2008
Back to Seoul
I’m in the international terminal of San Fran’s airport, and I’m kinda nervous, but mostly just ready to go home.
later....
much later.....
Long Flight from San Fran to Seoul, but it was all right, stayed awake most of the time so I think I will get over the jet lag quite nicely. When I got into the airport, the immigration line was quite long, so prepare to wait a lot. I think I got lucky and only had to deal with half an hour. Anyways, after that, went over to Stay Korea, took the subway (it really is actually quite easy to figure out), and got off at Hongik Station. Walked a long long way, and it turns out that the hostel is rather nicely situated, and rather far back from the street. Got there, met a few other people staying, and it seems like there is a common trend at the moment; everyone is either just leaving or just going to Yonsei. There were two guys from the States, and a guy and girl from Germany and Finland, respectively, who had both finished up things at Yonsei. It seems that traffic may not be as bad as it used to be, so I think I can actually get a cab to Yonsei today. With that in mind, I may wanna get out of here soon so I can actually head out and grab breakfast and all that good stuff.
Now, for actual thoughts real fast before I go off and get some breakfast.
You have nooo idea how happy I am right now. There's nothing like having been away from in this case, my hometown (which may be my ancestral one for all I know, but that's besides the point), and coming back.
It's just like somewhere, deep inside, you feel like, you're finally home.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
k-drama time
Woah. K-drama time.
Been finally catching up on 상두야학교가자, and well, I'm starting to get addicted to K-dramas :P (as well as starting to go omg omg eeeeeeeeee!!!!!!! at particularly cute moments, but yeeeah)
Oh, and on another note, I'll be working at a Rita's water ice for the next month or so, so I can actually have some money to spend in Korea. If you're around, find the Rita's on Concord Pike just over the state line in PA, I'll be there a lot lol.
edit: watching episode 10, and first kiss ^_^ *insert awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww here, also insert silent squeal-like reaction (everyone else is asleep already)
Been finally catching up on 상두야학교가자, and well, I'm starting to get addicted to K-dramas :P (as well as starting to go omg omg eeeeeeeeee!!!!!!! at particularly cute moments, but yeeeah)
Oh, and on another note, I'll be working at a Rita's water ice for the next month or so, so I can actually have some money to spend in Korea. If you're around, find the Rita's on Concord Pike just over the state line in PA, I'll be there a lot lol.
edit: watching episode 10, and first kiss ^_^ *insert awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww here, also insert silent squeal-like reaction (everyone else is asleep already)
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